Babbling of a Tortured Soul

It's been like months since I've posted something other than a Meme on here.  I figured it's probably time for an update or something and then I sat and thought about it and I really have nothing to update.  Isn't that kinda sad?  Months of not writing anything and having nothing to say about that time?  How interesting would it be to say I've worked a lot, I had ankle surgery, a root canal, stayed at home and helped raise my kid?  It seems so boring if you think about it from an outsider's view.

Not even the love life is exciting as I've been in pain from the surgery and root canal.  So it's been like maybe 1-2 a month...kinda sad for a married couple, but it seems like that's how so many couples are these days.  It's just not how I want to be.  It just makes me a little sad.  Though I understand why things are that way.

I've started dreaming again which stopped for quite some time.  They are not as nightmarish as they once were but they still aren't freaking picnics.  Things with unseen montsers, torturous (not in a good way) evils, etc.  But they are still not as terrifying as dreams once were for me.  There was this one with a friend, panthers, a lake, and gore...but I've had it before so I'm more used to it.

That's about it in my life.  The dogs are good, the hubby is good, the baby is walking and talking and progressing great.  I'm walking again after my surgery, still limping though.  Wow my life is so boring...

Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1.) I love you with all my heart.  I always have and I always will.  But you've been gone for 9 years now.  You can't come back.  It's time for me to re-claim that day every year.  I know you never wanted me to be sad.  You'll always been in my heart and memory.

2.) I know you can't really read yet, but I hope you know how much I love you.  Oh, and stop licking the water in the kiddy pool.  You don't know what's in it.

3.) You were my favorite baby girl before I had my daughter.  I still consider you like a daughter to me...even though that means I would have been like 8-9 when you were born.

4.) I wish you hadn't turned into such a douche.  I had surgery, I've had family issues, I've had other health issues.  I'm sorry that makes you feel like I've avoided you.  Yes, I deleted you from my messenger list because you wouldn't stop messaging me at work, and I had mentioned how I was busy at work.

5.) I don't need you.

6.) Let's go out to dinner some time.  It's been so long since we've done that.

7.) Hope you had a great anniversary yesterday!

8.) I just finished catching up on my friend's page and I saw your most recent posts.  I'm sure more added sympathies are not what you need right now, but  I just want to say I am sorry for the bad news you received.  You have helped me through some hard times and given me advice when no one else would.  Thank you, so much.

9.) I love you but if you put my child in a bonnet and socks with sandals again I will have to hurt you for child cruelty lol

10.) You've been a great friend online for a few years.  I wish we had met offline already but one day it will happen.  We will meet, we will eat bacon, we will play games, video & board & possibly other :D

Nine Things About Yourself:

1.) I'm adopted.  My parents adopted me when I was 6 months old.  It was not a secret, they made sure I knew.  I know my birth mother's name but have no intentions of finding her.

2.) I'm addicted to games, video games, board games, & computer games.  Even online internet only games *cough*VHR*cough*

3.) I love red meat.  Especially if it is under-cooked to the point it could walk off my plate if I took too long to eat it.

4.) I pick up accents.  I could be an amazing linguist if I decided to learn other languages, though I do speak remedial spanish and some french.

5.) I have terrible eye sight.  I'm near sighted and couldn't read this screen without glasses on.

6.) I do animal noises.  It's goofy and nerdy but I can do a pretty good horse.  I can call to my horses with my horse call and they would come running.

7.) I love to read and indeed I devour books pretty rapidly.

8.) I have a freckle on my stomach that has a ring of white skin around it that won't tan.  My neices and nephews have it as well.

9.) I am a massive water lover.  When I am in or near water is when I am happiest.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1.) Just smile.

2.) Read to me, like a poem.  I love to hear poetry spoken aloud.  I think it makes it more meaningful and powerful.

3.) Don't be an asshole. Seriously. I have little patience for assholes. <---Can't argue with that.

4.) Tell me the truth.

5.) This will may sound stupid but: lie to me.  Not the horrible, evil, world-destroying lies...but the little white lies.  Like "Honey, I love how you look in the morning." "No, your hair doesn't look horrible."

6.) Be a partner in love, don't make it into winning or losing.

7.) Surprise me with a single flower.  Not everyday, not expensive.  I think it is so sweet to be given a single wildflower, even if it is a weedy wildflower.

8.) Don't let me forget who I am as well as who you are.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1.) My daughter

2.) My friends

3.) My health

4.) My husband

5.) Food.

6.) My dreams for the future

7.) What life will lead to

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1.) Got into my first wreck

2.) Starting smoking

3.) Started drinking

4.) Ever yelled at my mother, I never realized how hard her job was until I was one.

5.) I wish I had never gotten into that fight with Joey.

6.) I wish I hadn't quit dancing.

Five Turn Offs:

1.) Stupidity, if you can't say something smart, don't say anything at all.

2.) Cruelty towards the innocent, being animals and children. <--Agreed

3.) People who look down on others because they "aren't enough" of something

4.) People who stuff religion down everyone's throat.

5.) Hate mongers.

Four Turn Ons:

1.) Thick, strong Legs

2.) Hands

3.) Intelligence is sexy

4.) Dominance and confidence.

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:

1.) :D

2.) :)

3.) :P

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1.) Skydive

2.) Ride a champion dressage friesian

One Confession:

1.) I actually may love myself one day.

Fill it out about me!


[ ] Push me into a wall and kiss me?
[ ] Come To My House To Do Nothing But Chill?
[ ] Slap Me?
[ ] Have Hard Core Sex With Me?
[ ] Slap Me If I Asked You To?
[ ] Lick/Suck My Neck?
[ ] Let Me Lick/Suck Your Neck?
[ ] Watch A Movie With Me?
[ ] Take Me Out To Dinner?
[ ] Take A Shower With Me?
[ ] Take Me Home For The Night?
[ ] Let Me Sleep In Your Bed?
[ ] Let Me Sleep In Your Bed With You?
[ ] Take Me Anywhere With You?
[ ] Repost This For Me To Answer Your Questions?
[ ] Lock Me In Your room And Take Advantage Of Me?
[ ] Let me lock you in your room and Take Advantage of you?
[ ] Make me breakfast?
[ ] Tickle Me?
[ ] Let Me Tickle You?
[ ] Stick Up For Me If Someone Was Being Mean to Me?
[ ] Instant Message Me?
[ ] Greet Me In Public?
[ ] Hang Out With Me?
[ ] Hold my waist from behind while we are out?
[ ] Bring Me Around Your Friends?

Do You...
[ ] Miss Me?
[ ] Love Me?
[ ] Think I'm Hot?
[ ] Think I'm Cute?
[ ] Think I'm Ok?
[ ] Think I'm Ugly?
[ ] Want To Kiss Me?
[ ] Want To Cuddle With Me?
[ ] Want To Date Me?
[ ] Want To Love Me?

Am I...
[ ] Sweet?
[ ] Funny?
[ ] Cool?
[ ] lovable?
[ ] Adorable?
[ ] Great To Be With?
[ ] Attractive?
[ ] Mean?

Have You Ever...
[ ] Thought About Hooking Up With Me?
[ ] Found Yourself Wanting To Kiss Me?
[ ] Wished I Were There?
[ ] Had A Crush On Me?
[ ] Wanted My Number?
[ ] Had A Dream About Me?
[ ] Been Distracted By Me?
[ ] Thought About Fucking Me?

Are You...
[ ] Happy You Know Me?
[ ] Thinking About Me?
[ ] My Friend

MEME TIME!!!

彡 TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Picture of my daughter looking like a rockstar

Q. How many televisions do you have in your house?
3, but one's in the back of a closet and hasn't been used in 2 years.

彡 BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Righty, baby

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Besides my kid?  Everything else has stayed put

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
About 40 boxes fill with files while we were moving them to storage.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
No

彡 BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I'd like to know the day

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
For once in my life, I'm pretty happy with my name

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
I mostly wear black, but I hear I'm very pretty in teal or pink

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I ate dirt as a kid, does that count?  In my mind it was a food item.

彡 DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Done it. NOW PAY UP, MEME. ;) <-I just love this answer and it's applicable so it's staying

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Depends, I'm kind of attached to one of them, the other is an asshole, so the question is yours which would you want to cut off?

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
I could probably never blog again for that much.  It's enough to payoff my car, my debt, and Codey's debt.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
There's a magazine that wants to see me nekkid?

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No, fuck no.  I don't do hot or spicy.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Yes

彡 DUMBOLOGY
Q. What is in your left pocket?
I don't have any pockets

Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
Stupidest movie on earth...that said Vote for Pedro

Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both, hardwood in Rora's room, carpet and tile throughout the rest

Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
I sit when I shave my legs, the majority of my shower time is standing though

Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I used to have many flip flops.  I would only wear flip flops.  Even in the snow, they would be all I would wear.  Then flip flops turned their back on me.  They made me slip down a wet stair and massively sprain my ankle and now I must have surgery on June 9.  So flip flops can kiss my ass.  While there may be a pair in my closet still, I disown them.

彡 LASTOLOGY
Q. Last person who texted you?
I believe that would be Sert probably with some naughty texts about why most women can do all the painful beautifications but can't handle anal.

Q. Last person who called you?
My mom talking about mother's day

Q. Person you hugged?
Rora I believe...it may have been my mom

彡 FAVORITOLOGY
Q. Number?
13

Q. Season?
Fall or winter

Q. Colors?
Purple, black, or pink.

彡 CURRENTOLOGY
Q. Missing someone?
Always.

Q. Mood?
Icky cause I've been feeling sick lately

Q. Listening to?
The vacuum of the cleaning people at work

Q. Watching?
My computer screen as I type?

Q. Worrying about?
Nothing really

Q. Wearing?
Tennis shoes, teal boy shorts, my favorite black pants with the little pink and silver butterfly on the hip, bra, black & white shirt

彡 RANDOMOLOGY
Q. First place you went this morning?
Bathroom, I had 20 minutes to get ready

Q. What can you not wait to do?
Hopefully, eventually take a vacation

Q. Do you smile often?
I don't even know anymore.

Q. Are you a friendly person?
I guess so, I used to be very friendly


01.Three jobs I have had in my life:
→ Worked as a caterer one night
→ Babysitter
→ Assistant Escrow Officer

02.Three movies I would watch over and over:
→ The Dark Knight
→ Rent
→ Twilight

03.Three places I have lived in:
→ Edmond, OK
→ Blanchard, OK
→ Oklahoma City, OK

04.Three shows that I watch:
→ CSI: Miami
→ CSI
→ One Tree Hill (which is about to end)

05.Three places I have been to:
→ Colorado
→ Florida
→ California

06.Three people who IM me regularly:
No comment, who I talk to is my business

07.Three of my favorite foods:
→ Spaghetti
→ Bacon & pancakes
→ Cheesecake

08.Three places I'd rather be in right now:
→ At home, still asleep
→ Colorado
→ England

09.Three friends to tag:
I don't tag

10.Three things I am looking forward to this year:
→ Rora's 2nd Christmas
→ My 2nd anniversary
→Nothing, that's kind of sad...

My daughter turned a year old on March 1.  I have spent maybe 7 months of her life with her.  The other time she's been with my mother and father.  And I wish I could say that I had wanted to spend that time with her and couldn't....but that wasn't the reasoning behind it.  I couldnt' stand to be around her.  To look into her face, it broke my heart into a million pieces every time. 

I had a really hard time with post pardum depression after having her.  Being home alone from 8 AM till 7-8 PM with a newborn and a dog and no adult interaction drove me insane.  It started with me being unable to eat.  I wouldn't eat for days.  I lost all of the weight from my pregnancy in 1 week, I was down 25 pounds from my pre-pregnancy week in 2 weeks.  I couldn't eat.  My hormones wouldn't allow me too.

Within a week, I noticed that I wasn't sleeping at all.  People say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't sleep when she slept, I couldn't nap while someone else was with her.  I didn't sleep more than 25 hours in the first month of her birth.  Even if I laid down I stayed away to listen in case she woke up.  Even know, I can't sleep in the same room as her because I'll always be listening.

Soon, I was crying constantly from the time Codey left for work, until Mom showed up (if she even did that day), until the time that Codey came home from work.  He would be so exhausted that I would cook dinner, he would eat, and we would go to bed.  He would be asleep instantly, while I would lay awake and listen to his breathing and her murmuring on the baby monitor.

One day, I snapped.  I couldn't stop crying.  My mom and my niece walked into the house with me bawling while holding Rory and I couldn't stop crying.  Even after my mom took Rory from my arms, I still couldn't stop crying.  I'd never felt so alone when I was surrounded by people.  

Today, the memories of that finally don't hurt me like they did when they were still raw and fresh.  I'm working toward re-familiarizing myself to Aurora.  I know it won't be easy for her to get used to not being around Meme and Papa all the time again.  But I'm her mother.  She should be with me.  My mother will still see her enough because she watches her during the day time.

Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
Like there is any wrong time

Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Video?
Both :)

Vibrator or Dildo?
Both

Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
Depends, am I taking pictures/video?

Word preference: Pussy or Cunt?
Either

Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
Both and let's add standing up and braced against something

More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Airplane?
Hmmm, airplane, as I've already had sex in an elevator

Word preference: Cock or Dick?
Either

Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?
None

Which threesome: Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
Boy/Boy/Girl...what can I say?  I like being the center of attention

Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex with a Stranger?
Strangers watching

Newly Discovered fetish?
My massively bad hand fetish

Master or slave?
So the slave

Slut or whore?
Both

Light Bondage or heavy?
Both

Whispering or screaming?
Let's see if you can make me scream

Ever lost your sanity?
Possibly

Most coveted perversion?
Hmmm, head

Spanking?
Till I'm red

Submissive?
Yes

Under the boot or wearing the boot?
Under the boot

Hot Candle wax or warm?
Depends on my mood

Relationship Status:
Married

Orientation:
Heterosexual

Body type:
Full Figured

Religion:
Prefer not to say

Zodiac Sign?
Aquarius

Smoke / Drink:
Smoke: Yes
Drink: Yes

Current Location:
At work, shhh don't tell

Your Weakness:
Someone who kisses my forehead or sucks on my fingers, or bites my inner wrist

Your Best Physical Feature:
My boobies or my eyes

Your Bedtime:
Usually at 11:30 pm

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
Yes

In the past week have you masturbated:
Yes

Number of Piercings:
Twice in my ears, I want to get my cartildge redone.

Number of Tattoos:
One and about to get another

Do you consider yourself perverted?
Yes, very much so

At what age did you lose your virginity?
Young

Have you ever deflowered a virgin?
No comment

If you give head, do you swallow?
Always, unless the guy wants to come on me

Do you like oral stimulation of the anus?
No

Do you like penetration of the anus?
Just a tiny, tiny bit, like a finger

Have you ever tried fisting?
Nope, but it is on my list

How would you rate the intensity of your sexual desires on a scale of 1-10?
Absolutely a 10

Nymphomaniacal?
Hell yes

Do sexual preoccupations interfere with other activities?
Not really

Are you promiscuous?
Yes

Do you ever regret sleeping with someone?
Don't really regret anything sexual

Do you ever have phone sex?
Yes

Do you ever call a 900 number (or similar commercial service) for phone sex?
Yes, as a prank

Do you ever make obscene phone calls?
Yup

Have you ever had a sexual experience that defies your "normal" orientation?
Once or twice

Have you ever made yourself up to resemble the opposite gender?
Once as a joke

Have you ever had an erotic experience with a transvestite or transsexual?
Nope

Do you find feet, toes, or shoes erotic?
No, I can't stand feet

Do you find underwear, lingerie, or hosiery erotic?
Maybe a little.

Do you find long hair, cut hair, or shaved hair erotic?
Deppends on how the partner looks like...

Have you ever peeped on someone?
Yes

Have you ever used a recording device such as a video camera to peep on someone?
Nooo

Have you ever been caught peeping on someone?
Yes

Have you ever "flashed" someone?
A easier question would be who haven't I flashed

Are you a sadist or masochist?
masochist

Have you ever slapped, spanked, or whipped someone during a sexual act?
Yes

Have you ever been slapped, spanked, or whipped during a sexual act?
Oh yes, so yummy

Have you ever cut, scratched, pierced, or stabbed someone during a sexual act?
Yes, I love scratching my nails down someone's back

Have you ever been cut, scratched, pierced, or stabbed during a sexual act?
Hell yes

Do you like bondage?
Yes

Like to be tied up?
Yes I do, except then I can't scratch

Like to tie up partner?
Not so much

Have you ever participated in a threesome?
Yes

If so, what gender were your partners?
Different groups, different times

What is the maximum number of partners you've had during a sex act?
2

What is the most people you have slept with in a single day?
3

Does the idea of sharing a partner (such as inviting a neighbor to have sex with your spouse) excite you?
Yes, I don't mind sharing, it's my partner who minds

Have you ever had sex with a relative?


As a minor, did you ever have sex with an adult?
Yes

As an adult, have you ever had sex with a minor?
No

Have you ever had sex with a person of retirement age?
Eww no

Have you ever had sex with an animal?
No...and that will also never happen...ew

I seem to have been away for quite some time.  It never seems like a long time until you look back at it really.  What does a passage of time mean?  What is a second when you have a minute?  What is a day when you have a year?  Nothing is ever for certain when it comes to time.  You never truly know you will make it another year, or even another minute.  You could be struck by a heart attack at any time.  You could be hit by a car or a victim of violence.  Life is never predictable, yet people live as if their lives are owed to them.  Life passes by so quickly, so why waste time by sitting around?  So many lost opportunies, it is a shameful thing to waste.

In the four weeks since I last wrote, I've done nothing.  Each day that comes, I let pass by with no significance.  I have so many plans and things I want to do, yet I do nothing.  I'm not happy with my decisions, but I can't even find the strength to even say my plans out loud.  I have no ability to say what I want.  No ability to even speak the truth to myself.  What is it that I even want?  I have no desire to live my life.  It's my one life to live, but it doesn't seem like enough.  What reason is there to live a life that will never actually accomplish anything?  "You can't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." as the great Van Wilder said in some crappy movie. 

Ever since I fell down those damn stairs, I've just been doing jack shit.  The highlights of my days are accented by being able to gain a few degrees of mobility in my ankle.  It's almost said all the time that a human spends walking and never even stops to think how much more time it would take to do everything in their life if they couldn't walk.  I spent 2 weeks on crutches, no weight bearing.  I've spent 2 weeks being able to do weight bearing and while it's easier, it still is no picnic.  Perhaps if I was in better shape it wouldn't be so bad.  Maybe not.  For someone who loves control as much as I did, being so out of control that I had no decision over kills me.  Maybe this has given me more time to think about things.  Maybe it has given me so much that it's made me literally lose my mind.

There are so many twists and turns in life.  The pathway isn't so straight as it's a virtual maze made of double backs and turn arounds.  It's almost a sick game trying to figure out the best way to go.  Obviously, taking the shortest way is not what most people would want to do.  That would be the end of your life if you came out on the other side of the maze.  People say taking trials and overcoming them makes you a stronger person, but is there too many trials that one person can face?  We've all seen someone who just appears to be broken.  Completely  devoid of every emotion.  Almost like they've just given up on life completely.  Like they've been thrown too many curveballs and they are out of strikes.

What is any one person's limit?  I mean, I'm sure it's all relative, but then again, no one can know until they hit the one that was too many for them.  Too bad life isn't as easy as a baseball game huh?  No little scoreboard that you can just look at and see how many more strikes you have left, how many balls, and what exactly your score is.  Wouldn't it all be so simple?  Life is just a complicated lesson, but it's a shame that in the end all you do is fail and die.  Is it even smart to live your life knowing that in the end there is no way to win?  With all the loses in life, where is the smarts in that?  You lose family, friends, lovers; people who you depend on to survive will only turn their backs on you when the time is at it's most dire moment.  People have to have faith though.  You have to believe in something or this live seems even more meaningless.  Whether it's heaven, purgatory, hell, reincarnation, vahalla, people have to believe that the spirit can live on.  That they can still be something somewhere else.  That the journey doesn't just end.

Maybe I have no faith anymore.  I don't really remember the last time I actually did.  Or maybe I'm just a realist who doesn't like having to depend on faith, which has no substance, to come out of this life.  Maybe I've lost too much already and have become broke.  I'd really like to hope that isn't the case.  I'd like to think that I am a stronger person than to be broken before I'm even 23 years old.  It seems like such a short time to have already given up on life.  Perhaps I'm waiting for something to make me believe again.  Some sort of miracle that will re-enforce the belief that there has to be more. 

Maybe love is all that is needed for that. Maybe love will be strong enough to overcome almost anything.  But love can't overcome death.  People you love still can die.  People you love will leave.  They can walk out of your life like they've died and never even look back.  I've been left by so many people.  But pity is not something I am looking for.  My story is no sadder than anyone else's.  I won't tell it because what would be the point.  There is no point in pity, sympathy, or even empathy.  Such emotions are useless.

I haven't written in so long and now I'm just babbling on.  I've gotten out a lot I have thought over these weeks.  There is still so much that I choose to keep inside.  If I let it out, now or even ever, it could very well end in another dead end of my life maze.  I have to believe that ever thing that should, will.  Things that should be said in time, will be said in their time.  Every thing has a time.  And what will happen, shall happen.  Enough of this cryptic crap, I have nothing more to explain.

Life is about balance.  Work vs. home.  Right vs. wrong.  Church vs. government.  Play vs. work.  So many things we are supposed to be able to juggle effortlessly.  What about caring vs. uncaring?  When is caring too much a bad thing?  How can caring be construded to uncaring?  If you have worked so hard to protect yourself by creating a wall, a mask really, how do you still show you care?  My own mother asked me if I can show care, if I can show love, if I had let anyone in.  At first I was appalled that my own mother didn't think I could love, but later I sat and thought about it.  I couldn't really come up with an answer as to why I have such trouble showing my family my emotions.  After a while, I just forgot about it.

Last night, my husband asked me why I couldn't get over something.  Why I cared so much when I never show it?  It made me start thinking about what my mother said again.  This time, I came up with some answers.  I went back into my early childhood.  I went back into my school age, family gatherings, first boyfriend.  I basically relived my whole life watching what emotions were shown to me and what emotions I had shown.  It was a very eye opening experience to say the least.

To find one's self, you must always start at the beginning.  In my family, displays of over-emotions and/or affections were frowned upon.  If any emotions or affections were shown, it was between my mother and me.  My father and mother rarely touched each other, rarely showed any emotion to each other except for bad ones like anger, hate, and fear.  Soon, my range of bad emotions outweighed my range of good emotions.  I locked up all my good emotions inside, while I was never afraid to show my bad emotions.  It was just automatic to not be afraid to throw a fit when my siblings ignored me, but to be afraid to ask them to play with me.

In grade school, I had a small group of friends.  By small, I mean, I had one friend through third or fourth grade.  The other children were afraid of me.  Boys liked me, but at that time I didn't like boys, so any that showed interest, I just beat them up until they moved on.  Girls feared me so much as to not be friends.  I was loud, crass, and a bully.  I would beat up on people I didn't even know, while never showing anything to those I was close to.  Even though my group of friends grew wider eventually, I still never showed emotion until I was shown it first...just like with my mother.

In middle school and high school, my group of friends had grown to about 5-10 people I could trust...almost.  I was interested in boys finally, so I no longer beat them up at the first sign of interest.  I waited until provoked or rejected.  While I kept the bullying to a minimum, I still didn't let people in.  I would be loud and crass while maintaining a good distance from everyone.  People I talked to for years would know little or nothing about me.  My wall kept becoming larger and stronger.  If I felt threatened or hurt, I would take it out on all...but I no longer went out of my way to hurt people.

In my marriage, I trusted my husband inexplicitly.  I let him in more than anyone else.  He knew all of my dirt and I thought I knew all of his.  My rough outside lead him to believe I was made of stone though.  He has never shown emotions or affection, so he thought I was a good match when initially, I had none either.  When I love though, I expect reciporcation.  I love to cuddle, I love to snuggle.  I love being held, being touched.  I tried as hard as I could to not expect those things and to stop asking for them.  When I asked, I was either denied, or just indulged because that was all he could do. 

I don't show emotions because I'm never shown them.  I never learned how to properly love and care and how to show them in a productful way.  I hide how much I care about things because I can remember in the past that if I cared too much, those things would be taken away and I would just be left mourning and sad.  I try not to care because I don't believe that people care for me.  Nothing in my past would show any differently.  I have trouble believing in self-worth when everyone I know behaves like I am worthless.

So yes, while I can care and I can love and I can show them under certain cirmcumstances...I can't break down my wall.  It's all that's protected me.  It's the one constance.  My one friend who has always shown that it won't hurt me.  So I keep my wall up.  I keep my emotions inside.  Emotions inside can't be used against me to hurt me.

Wanted: Someone to provide one good, throwdown ass beating.  Blood is optional, bruising necessary.

I want to just post that somewhere.  I am so in need of pain that I am willing to beg for it if I thought I would be granted it.  I want humiliation, command, order, and direction so badly.  I want to be called names, forced to do things that I don't want to do (though secretly I do), damnit I just want some S & M.  It's been freaking 3-4 months since I've had any kink and 4-5 months since I've had a flogging/whipping/spanking/belt anything.  I'll be damned if being called slut wouldn't make me cum right now.  A hand around my throat would lead to such euphoria.  A slap across the face and I would be so delirious with joy right now.

I think it's time to admit how much S & M means to me.  It is a big piece of my life that I don't want to see leave.  That leads to an issue with my husband and I as he is not even remotely interested in it.  The more I read, watch, and learn the more I want to try out.  Deeper humiliation, role playing, puppy play, so many thing that intrigue me now that didn't pique my interest  before.  I want to be able to embrace and explore, yet all I'm doing is repressing and trying to forget what little S & M I've done so far.  Even the little bit that I've had, I miss so terribly.  Yet, I can't take steps to taking care of my needs because that would be wrong now.  Codey wants to try to make things work yet all I want is the freedom to have my kink and eat it too...

So that leaves me with Wanted: One Good Ass Beating...

I can feel the darkness swarming inside again.  A black void, growing in my abdomen, seems to make me feel sick and empty.  I can feel bile crawling up my throat as I long for things that are no longer available to me.  Reading other posts make me see a life I had or could of had.  My self-destructive nature has taken things that I once loved, they wilt away under my decisions and choices.  I find happiness and then push until it goes away because unconciously I don't think I ever deserve to be happy.  I know my self-worth isn't very high.  I could blame childhood, but then that would just be blaming my problems on others.  I let myself be treated how I was.  I own up to my decisions in that aspect.

I'll think that one thing is what I really want, we'll call it Thing One.  It's what I need.  It's perfection for me.  It will complete my happiness.  I see something that is kinda like what I have but seems better because I don't have it, this will be Thing Two.  I'll discard what Thing One for Thing Two.  I am the queen of loving Bright, Shiny things.  I'll miss my Thing One though and go back to it, losing the Thing Two.  The Thing Two was everything I had wanted though, it truly was perfection for me.  While Thing One was nice for a while, Thing Two is like an upgraded verision, a newer model, if you will.  Yet, I will keep going back and forth until I lose both my Things. 

I say things when I make mistakes and realize it.  I'll try to blame it on others, hoping to ease the pain.  In reality though, all I'm doing is making things worse for me.  More mistakes, which means more blame, and it's a vicious circle until I make myself start admitting it was all my fault from the beginning.  I hate that about myself, blaming others when they've done nothing wrong.  Not being able to stand by my actions normally only leads me down a dark path.

I know the depression is taking my life back over.  I've done so many things I'm not proud of this year.  I can blame no one but myself, yet blaming myself doesn't fix it either.  It just deepens the depression.  Maybe I should be trying to find a way to not blame, but fix.  Yet, when I still fail that, I blame anyways.  I don't want to be in a constant downward spiral.  I've wrecked so many connections with people already because of my moods, manias, and blame.  It's so frustrating knowing that I could change and being unable to.

I am the cause of most of my depression.  I sit at the computer reading old emails that cause tears to stream down my face.  I feel my heart break every time that I open a memory.  Every email takes me back to the day when I first received it.  Reading the ones toward the end of the summer make my heart ache even more.  Seeing what I could have done to change the outcome.  To see the mistake I make as I'm making them.  I could scream at myself for what I did do.  I wish I could go back and bitchslap the me in the past.  Just reach back and wail on my face.

I torture myself with the memories.  The good and the bad both cause so much trauma on me.  The good make me think of the wonderful things I have lost because of the person I am.  The bad make me remember that I could have stopped or changed it at anytime.  What have I done?

My pumpkin never turned into carriage for me.  It's always been a silly pumpkin.  No woodland creatures become my sidekicks in some choreographed song and dance.  No fairy Godmother can make a pretty dress appear that will make Prince Charming love me forever.  I've already fucked up with Prince Charming...what do fairy tales say about that? 

He is in my sleeping dreams, in my waking thoughts.  His presence never leaves me, no matter where I go.  I see him in the book I am reading.  I watch him in the movies I see.  I look for him on the roads, I hear his voice when I'm in a crowd.  I hold my breath everytime my phone goes off hoping that it is him.  My heart breaks every time I realize it isn't him.  Memories make me see him everywhere.  I can not get him out of my mind, nor do I want to.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.  There is no other path for me but the one beside him.  It is where I belong and yet, it is the one path that is closed to me forever now.  He is the one that my heart wants.  My love for him is a once in a lifetime thing.  I don't think I will ever be the same again.

My husband thinks that with time we can mend the wounds between us.  I don't even know if I want to though.  I do not feel the same way about him and I doubt I ever felt this way about him completely.  We both admit we aren't the best people for each other, but neither of us are ready to free ourselves.  Is it bad to want to work for a marriage that only holds friendly love?  Is it good to think you don't want to try to work so long for something that it will only end up hurting our daughter?  Ourselves?  Our lasting friendship?

I learned yesterday that Kyle is trying to get a transfer from Houston.  If and when he does leave, he will take a piece with me that I will never get back.  That piece is vital to my exsistence, but so is he.  It is his piece now.  I'll never get it back.  It was never my husband's...it was a piece I held onto for myself.  I never gave him all of me, I never gave anyone all of me, until Kyle.  Now I wonder why I ever did.  I gave up the last and only piece of me to a man who ignores my texts, my calls, my emails.  A man who comes over only to see my husband...who barely speaks to me.  A man who I will always and forever love, yet he seems to have no more feelings for me.

Whether it's Brothers Grimm or Mother Goose everyone knows at least one fairy tale.  Fairy tales are made to relate to.  Every little girl dreams of growing up and living happily ever after.  A foolish notion but it's the naivity of youth that makes the world go round.  Some lives resemble fairy tales...mine seems to be one of the darker tales.  Two evil stepsisters (neices), evil stepmother (adoptive father), the big bad wolf (coworkers), and Prince Charming who really turned out to be a frog.

I haven't posted in 5 weeks.  In those five weeks, my life hasn't changed much.  In a holding pattern with my husband.  We are such good best friends, perfect in that sense, but in marriage, it's not so much perfection as a disaster.  We rushed into it though, and neither are really at fault.  We wore rose colored glasses, saw things that weren't really there in the others and even portrayed ourselves as something other than we really were.

Kyle hasn't talked to me in 25 days.  I guess I crossed a boundary one Sunday night when I was drunk, though I really don't remember much about that night except that it ended with my husband leaving me alone in a bar and me having to walk home.  It hurts that he won't talk to me...I don't even has a reason why.  Each day that passes hurts a little more, but I suppose it's my fault.  Everything this summer seems to be my fault.

It's almost the holidays and this year I dread them more than ever.  I don't want to see any family on my husband's side.  I still feel like they talk about me behind my back, none of which can possibly be flattering since it would mostly pertain to this summer and my infidelity that he knew about from the beginning.  My own family is full of liars, fools, and addicts who want nothing but to please themselves and don't care about hurting family to do so.  The holidays are always my favorite and least favorite time of the year.  It hurts to hear every second how much your family can't stand you...yet it hurts worst to not participate.  A lifetime of not fitting in has almost accustomed me to it, but after this summer, my love life is the main topic of most family meetings.

Even last year I was still a girl who believed in Happily Ever Afters.  I thought they happen for people.  I thought I had mine.  I considered myself so lucky in my life.  I'm a different person than I was last year.  I'm a different person from last season.  A different person from last month.  I suppose it's my own fault that so much has changed.  I've ruined so many things in so many lives.  I suppose I deserve my ruined life.  A husband who doesn't trust me and I can't blame him.  Myself wishing that Kyle would call, or text, or come over...just talk to me.  I've made so many mistakes but it seems I only want to keep making more.  I'm not even sure that I'm in the right place anymore.

I never thought this part would be hard to talk about.  Falling in love shouldn't be something hard to talk about.  It should be exciting, exhilirating, and fun.  It should be a good thing to remember.  It's something that no matter how many times you do it's always fresh and new each time.  Yet for me, looking back, this is one of the hardest parts to talk about.  It hurts to go through what I thought were amazing memories and try to find what was real and what was fake.

I know what I felt was real.  I remember the first night I knew I was in trouble.  I remember the first night I started to fall.  We were on the couch, watching a movie...something people out for meaningless sex shouldn't be doing.  I was cuddled up in the crook of his arm and he tilted his head down and kissed my forehead.  My heart stopped and raced in the same beat.  It was endearing, it was tender, he acted like it was something he'd done thousands of times to me, almost like it hadn't happened.  It was touching in a non-sexual way that meant so much to me and something that my husband basically refused to do.

A kiss on the forehead is my one thing.  People have this one thing that just works for them.  It just means love to them.  It could be as simple as just taking them time out to offer and do something for them.  It could be a simple kiss on the forehead.  Whatever is your one thing embrace it each time it happens; hold onto your one thing with all you have.  My one thing is tainted now...but that comes about later.

While I was falling, my husband was hurting and I didn't even know.  He went out a few times of his own.  Trying out what I found some easily to come to me.  No matter what he did though, he couldn't find himself to take the final step and cheat.  It wouldn't work for him.  It wasn't in his nature.  He was happy with me, I suppose.  I truly don't know why his dates never worked out or his nights out...guess they weren't really dates. 

Sleeping around turned into hanging out.  I'd go over with the intention of spending the night to hang out or even make dates to go out and see movies, eat dinner, whatever normal dating is.  I've never been courted not even by my husband.  It was a new and exciting experience and maybe I got swept up in all of it.  I started meeting his friends while he'd know most of mine from being in our wedding and just general hanging out at our house.  We melted into each others lives so easily.

Too bad everyone around me warned that I was just a rebound.  That he was just replacing me for her.  He wasn't dealing with the truth of dumping his 5 year long relationship over nothing.  The truth was even more twisted than that.  All of the actions, emotions, everything from him were false.  I was just a string to paw at, a toy to entertain him until he went back to his ex.  Yet, I digress.

I never thought this part would be hard to talk about.  This small piece has already brought me so close to tears.  Remembering what I was feeling and knowing that everything on his side was a lie.  It still hurts so much...but this helps to let it go.  I just wish I could hate him...It would make this whole thing easier.

A person never thinks that they can be fooled.  They never like the fact that they have been fooled.  They think the people around them would never betray them.  People could never lie to them.  Truth should come so easily in everyday relationships.  Families, friends, romanctic relationships and all...lies should never be so easy to fall from a person's lips.  What is tragic is that I'm the biggest fool of them all.  I allowed myself to be fooled by everyone around me.  I fooled others as well, but that comes on later.

Life has a funny way of kicking you in your seat sometime.  At the beginning of this summer, I thought I had the perfect life.  My daughter was an amazing newborn.  Ask any parent...a child who sleeps through the night at a month old is a godsend.  My husband is the best father to her.  He is the best husband to me.  A perfect life with nothing that could ruin it.  I felt like something was lacking though.  In hindsight, nothing was missing...it truly was perfect.  My mind thought that I wanted more though.

Humans are sexual beings.  We are the best and the worst in the animal kingdom.  Most animals breed for procreation and that is all.  Humans feel emotion with sex which makes it something we chase for more than just to extend the gene pool but for the pleasure we feel.  Perhaps I am too much of a sexual being...but that was what my mind thought was lacking.  I could blame just having a child and the six weeks that I wasn't allowed to do anything by doctor's orders.

I started getting restless.  My husband sensed it.  All he ever wanted for me was to be happy so he agreed to an open relationship.  My mind wasn't only wanting meaningless sex, it wanted romance, love, tenderness, and longing.  Things that I didn't feel like I was getting as a mother.  I had a person picked out already, unfortunately for all of us that person is what doomed me.  See, he was different than even I knew.  He was a changling...he was like me.  He would form into whatever persona was needed for the situation.

It started out simple enough.  Meaningless, it gave all what we were needing.  It got complicated quickly though.  Looking back, the lies fell out of my lips as easily as anyone else's.  I lied first, I blame no one but myself for my husband's actions during the rest of the summer.  Even that first night, I broke all of our rules.  Even that first night, I was already in trouble.  I wasn't in love but the option was there and no one saw it yet.  I will never regret anything more than the first lie that fell out of my lips.

Within the first week, I was at his house more than my own home.  I would leave Codey behind with our daughter to go out and break his heart.  The thought never even crossed my selfish mind though.  I never once stopped to think that he was only doing this for me.  An open marriage was his easiest may to allow me to cheat without lying...but it still struck him like a knife in the heart every time I walked out the door.  I was too foolish or selfish to even notice.

I write for remembrance.  I write so no one will ever read this.  I write for a chance at change.  I write for hope.  I write because if I didn't...my side of this story would never be told.  The things done to me would always be told by other people.  So I write.  I thought it would be harder to write about.  As I write though, my words are just spilling over the screen.  The words that detail things that hurt so much...once I get them out they don't seem to hurt anymore.  I know they still do...I will never be able to get over some of the things that have happened.  I know most of what has happened will stay with me for the rest of my life.  It will follow me, like my shadow on a hot summer day.

I have been hurt all of my life.  You would think by this time in my life I would be used to it by now.  A person never stops hurting though.  You can build a wall up around your emotions but as long as you have a heart, you will be hurt.  Maybe a time will come for me when the hurt will fade, when it will hurt less...but that time seems to be so far away in my future that I can barely see it.

This is about my summer of dreams.  This is about my summer of love.  My summer of life that has show me that sometimes you just have to live; you have to live and let go.  This is about my summer of betrayal, pain, hurt, and torture.  This is about my summer where I couldn't hide from my demons anymore.  This is the summer where my skeletons came out of their closets.  I lived this summer for myself, and no one else which also makes it my summer of selfishness.

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This summer has been one of the best and worse summers of my life.  I have watched my child grow.  I watched her grow from afar.  I couldn't be close to her in the condition that I was in.  I blame that on my selfishness though.  It isn't her fault that her mother is emotionally unstable.  It wasn't her fault that the first few months of her life needed to be with my mother and not with me. 

This summer is the best and the worse because I thought I found love...when all I found was lies.  I was lied to by people I love.  I was lied to by people who I learned to love.  I was lied to by everyone in my life.  The only person who hasn't lied to me this summer is my daughter and maybe that is only because she can't speak yet.  Being hurt by so many has broken me down so far...yet I feel stronger than ever.  Life can't be denied.  It can't be hidden from nor can it be forgotten.  Life can be broken though.  Life can be broken by the strong or allowed to be broken by the weak.  Life can be lived by no one but ourselves.

I lied as well.  I am not blameless at all in any of this.  I made my choices just like everyone else.  I lied to my family, my friends, my husband, and myself.  Life has a way of making us liars.  You want to be a good person.  You try really hard to be a good person.  My whole life I tried to be the best person that the people around me wanted me to be.  I've never been my true self except in front of five people in my life. 

One is dead now.  One is dead to me...I'll never see him again.  One is dying to me because of the lies of this summer.  One never knew that he saw the true me.  The last is the puppetmaster of this summer.  He sees the true me...he always has.  Just as I see the true him and it scares us both.  My true self scares me but I've also accepted that that is the girl I was and the woman I am.  I am working on bettering myself and this time it is just for myself.  Accepting myself is one step in bettering myself.  I have to be the best person I can for myself.  I have to do that before I can be the best person I can be for my daughter.  Her childhood will be nothing like mine...

If you are on my friends list, I'd like to find out these 36 things about you.  You can post it on yours and I'll fill it out.


01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

You know most people walk around knowing they are a hypocrite...They say something and they know they do the same thing.  But having the people closest to you saying that other really important people in your life are talking behind your back...calling you a hypocrite, calling you names, telling your husband he should have never married you...hearing those things when you never even thought about it brings you to a wake up call...

I rag on my sister because of how she lives her life.  I don't think a 40 year old woman should party every night.  I don't think she should have a breathalyzer in her car and not even be able to blow most days.  I don't think she should have taught her 15 year old daughter to blow it so that she can now illegally drive.  I don't think her 10 year son should come over to the office almost every day looking for his mom and calling her to see where she is this time.  Yet, when I have a baby...and for the first 7 weeks while on maternity leave I do flawlessly as a  mother and then, I let my mom have her and raise her for basically the last 4 months...I am worse than my sister.  I have no right to say anything about her parenting skills or choices now.

When I raised her kids though, when they were too little to stay home alone while she went out, so I had them every night from ages 2-6 or 7 for Ethan and probably 4-9 for Morgan...when I had them, they were amazing kids.  They were polite, did decent in school...and now that I don't have a place in their life as much anymore, I see them going down the same path as their older brother.

I want to raise my child like I did those two kids.  But instead of letting someone else do my job...I am going to do it.  Just like I did my sister's job then.  I am a damn good mother and I was given a perfect child.  I'm not going to let her waste away and have a childhood like mine.

I've stopped drinking.  Drinking from 11 AM on a Sunday until passing out in a drunken stupor at 5 PM makes you see that you have a problem.  I'm not going to be the drunken force in Rory's life.  I won't do it.  I'm not going out anymore to the bars or to restaurants.  We have perfectly good food at home that goes to waste because I am too lazy to cook...not anymore.  I shouldn't expect my husband, the man I hurt so much, to still do everything around the house.

And in regards to the last 5 months, unless you are a direct member of what happened...it's none of your damn business.  People can place all the blame they want on me...I know many who do and most are my friends and family.  Well, that's fine.  You have always thought I would fail and ruin any relationship I have.  You warned Codey before he married me that I would ruin his life.  Well there is one relationship I am not going to ruin, I will prove you wrong, I will not ruin my daughter's life and I will not ruin my relationship with her.

And if this pisses off any of the people who have talked so much about me behind my back when I've laid it all out where most of the people can see it...then hold it against me as well.  You've judged me all my life...a little more isn't going to break me.  I'm not going to let you have that power over me anymore.

It's DEAD.  It hurts so much that I can't even feel anymore.  I want to feel something so bad, yet the only way to do so is something that I've promised myself I would never do again.  I cry and I cry and I cry yet it never stops.  The boys don't care.  They both moved on, I've fucked up so many things that it's so easy to assume I am the Queen of Fuckups.  It seems everything I do is a mistake.  Even if I try to fix one problem I make a mistake trying to do it.  I never speak up soon enough.  I speak too late or I never speak at all.  I hurt myself and all others. But in the end I can't even fix it because it isn't my choice to fix it.  No matter what I try I can't fix it.  I made mistakes with Codey, huge mistakes....I ruined a marriage. I made a mistake with Kyle, breaking things off for the wrong reasons.  Saying things that weren't true.  Hoping for some reaction from a man with no love left for me.  My heart breaks every second of the day because no matter what I do I end up alone.  I loved them both so much but my indecision has caused so much pain to all of us that it doesn't even matter what happens now.

I don't even know where I want to go from here on out.  Codey wants nothing to do with me, Kyle is indecisive between me and his ex.  Why couldn't he have waited for me to get on my meds and straighten my life out.  I probably never would have ended it with him then.  Codey only wants to root for my happiness...though I would be happy with him...he's my husband...I'm supposed to be happy with him.  Kyle is so perfect for me though.  Affectionate, loving, sweet, and now a liar since he's back with Suki but tells her nothing about hanging out with me.

Once again I'm a booty call.  Seems I always put myself in these situations.  It's what I'm best at.

I have always been a huge fan of music.  I listen to many different genres and while the notes of the song have to be pretty, I've always been more affected by the words.  Listening to my iPod yesterday a song came on that I hadn't heard in months if not years.  It is exactly what I was told by Codey on Monday and if I had heard it last week instead of this week I would have made the right decision while there was still time to try.

Don't Make Me by Blake Shelton

Girl when I look at you
You look through me
Like I’m not even there
I’m trying not to give up
To be strong but I’m afraid to say I’m scared
I can’t find the place your heart is hiding
& I’m no quitter but I’m tired of fighting

Baby I love you
Don’t wanna lose you
Don’t make me let you go
Took such a long time
For me to find you
Don’t make me let you go
Baby I’m begging please
& I’m down here on my knees
I don’t wanna have to set you free
Don’t make me

What if when I’m long gone
It dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear
If I leave here
Its done I’m gone that’s that
You carry my love around
Like it’s a heavy burden
Well I’m about to take it back
Are you sure its worth it

Baby I love you
Don’t wanna lose you
Don’t make me let you go
Took such a long time
For me to find you
Don’t make me let you go
Baby I’m begging please
& I’m down here on my knees
I don’t wanna have to set you free
Don’t make me

Baby I’m begging please
& I’m down here on my knees
I don’t wanna have to set you free
Don’t make me
Don’t make me
Stop loving you
Stop needing you

He keeps telling me that it's too late for us.  We'll never be together again.  He is no longer my husband, etc. My heart is breaking so much I don't know what to do.  I'm sinking into a darkness I haven't seen in years.  He says to be happy with what I have...but how can I be happy when I don't have him?  He says don't feel guilty, but how can I not when this is all my fault?  He gave me how many chances?  And I seriously thought he would always be around waiting...